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Author Topic: Would you allow someone else to discipline your child?  (Read 1903 times)

Offline DoubleQ

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Would you allow someone else to discipline your child?
« on: 21 November, 2011, 04:13:52 AM »
A friend of mine lives in a fairly rural area. Her sister and brother-in-law live on a property across the street from her. Last week, when she was not home, my friend's 16-year-old son was shooting a BB gun at a sign on a tree on her property. He was not shooting in the direction of her sister's property, nor were there any vehicles, pets, or humans put at risk by the shots.

My friend's brother-in-law came onto her property to tell her son to stop shooting at the sign. Her son, being a teenager who thinks he knows it all, continued firing. When he decided he was done, he went into her house. My friend's brother-in-law then entered her house through the unlocked back door to speak to her son about disobeying him. When her son told him, "you're not my father" and began to walk away, the brother-in-law grabbed him by the shirt collar and broke the chain that her son's girlfriend had given him for his birthday. It was with great restraint that her son went into his own room until the other man left without even raising his hand to him.

I told my friend that in her position I would tell my brother-in-law that he was in no way welcome on my property when I am not home. I would also make him responsible for repairing the chain and for apologizing to my son. What would you do in this sort of situation? If you can't empathize with someone shooting a gun, then think of her son as throwing rocks at the sign: he was doing nothing illegal or even out of the ordinary for that area.

Offline spryte

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Re: Would you allow someone else to discipline your child?
« Reply #1 on: 24 November, 2011, 10:14:55 AM »
back in the day, all adults were seen by children as authority figures, and woe betide you if you disobeyed them, especially if the adults are family.

these days, kids seem to think they can do what they like, whether it's seen as being socially acceptable or not.

the kid in question was shooting at a sign - unless that sign was designed for use as a target then it could be regarded as wilful destruction of property. not knowing if the kid had in the past received permission to shoot at the sign from his mother makes it difficult to judge whether his uncle was in the right for requesting that the kid stop what he was doing for that reason alone, but there may have been other factors - maybe the noise was a problem, for example.

grabbing a kid's shirt because the kid was disrespectful to an adult who had asked that the kid refrain from participating in a noisy, antisocial and potentially damaging activity... not unreasonable imho. completely understandable when you consider that the pair are uncle and nephew - family have a responsibility to each other to ensure that the kids are raised right.

the chain that was broken is an easy repair for anyone with pin-nosed pliers, or take it into a jeweller if the chain is particularly fine. it was a casualty of the kid's insolence.


to answer the general question:

if i had a kid who was misbehaving whilst i was not around and someone took it into their heads to sort them out, then provided that the kid didn't suffer an injury i would totally support that, and if my kid spoke back to the person disrespectfully then they'd be in double the trouble.
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Offline P-Kasso2

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Re: Would you allow someone else to discipline your child?
« Reply #2 on: 29 November, 2011, 06:22:56 AM »
Generally I would have said No. But thinking about it I think there are exceptions. Your example, for instance, is a very extreme and dangerous transgression by your friend's son that clearly called for some reaction by a responsible adult.

The reaction by the other teenager is understandable but not the most wisely considered. Banning the other teenager seems almost as extreme when a quiet mature talking to might produce longer-lasting positive results.

Having said that, I  think all adults that I know, trust and call friends have a vital set of values that form  the world a child is coming into and thus have a right to show the child the error of their ways, especially where firearms are involved.

Therefore I think Yes I would let these trusted friends and relatives reprimand my child but only verbally. Physical restraint is difficult enough an issue even for a parent so it is a minefield for any other non-related adult, no matter how annoyed/disappointed/offended they are by the child's actions.

I do however believe it is crucial for a child to see where they have 'overstepped the mark' where acceptable and unacceptable behavour is concerned.

And that learning comes not just from parents and teachers but from other members of society.

I include total strangers in this so long as their restraint is limited to verbal criticism.

I can only go on my own experiences as a child...even today there are many instances where I was told in very clear terms by non-parent adults what was expected of me and what was not. I remember those lessons clearly and think that the source of the criticism is less important than the rightness of the criticism...again so long as no physicality is involved.
« Last Edit: 29 November, 2011, 06:29:12 AM by P-Kasso2 »
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Offline antonymous

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Re: Would you allow someone else to discipline your child?
« Reply #3 on: 29 November, 2011, 08:48:39 AM »
Generally I would have said No. But thinking about it I think there are exceptions. Your example, for instance, is a very extreme and dangerous transgression by your friend's son that clearly called for some reaction by a responsible adult.

The reaction by the other teenager is understandable but not the most wisely considered. Banning the other teenager seems almost as extreme when a quiet mature talking to might produce longer-lasting positive results.

Having said that, I  think all adults that I know, trust and call friends have a vital set of values that form  the world a child is coming into and thus have a right to show the child the error of their ways, especially where firearms are involved.

Therefore I think Yes I would let these trusted friends and relatives reprimand my child but only verbally. Physical restraint is difficult enough an issue even for a parent so it is a minefield for any other non-related adult, no matter how annoyed/disappointed/offended they are by the child's actions.

I do however believe it is crucial for a child to see where they have 'overstepped the mark' where acceptable and unacceptable behavour is concerned.

And that learning comes not just from parents and teachers but from other members of society.

I include total strangers in this so long as their restraint is limited to verbal criticism.

I can only go on my own experiences as a child...even today there are many instances where I was told in very clear terms by non-parent adults what was expected of me and what was not. I remember those lessons clearly and think that the source of the criticism is less important than the rightness of the criticism...again so long as no physicality is involved.
This is probably the best answer I have read in this forum for a long time.

I am in complete agreement with the views expressed in it.

It is well thought out,  written in clear, precise english, not too long, no fancy words, and perfectly understandable.

I am going to award it the Antonymous Literary Medal for 2011.

Congratulations.
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Offline P-Kasso2

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Re: Would you allow someone else to discipline your child?
« Reply #4 on: 29 November, 2011, 09:45:04 AM »
This is probably the best answer I have read in this forum for a long time.

I am in complete agreement with the views expressed in it.

It is well thought out,  written in clear, precise english, not too long, no fancy words, and perfectly understandable.

I am going to award it the Antonymous Literary Medal for 2011.

Congratulations.

Blimey! How tickled I am! Thank you kind sir.
"I live in hope"

Offline Astaria1

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Re: Would you allow someone else to discipline your child?
« Reply #5 on: 30 January, 2012, 03:46:28 PM »
I have trouble with anyone, doesn't matter who, disciplining my children. It is hard, even when deserved, to sit back and allow another to take my place. But in reference to the example above, I am totally against it and would probably have had an all out war with my brother in law. There comes a time when people need to leave people alone.
I have had a lot of issues out of my ten year old son. He has made some very bad decisions. Mainly when with his father. He had a run of being a thief. SOOOO agrevating, but I think all kids do it at some point. My ex husband was not dealing with it well, and asked what he should do. I told him to call the cops the next time. I think he was around seven at the time. Well it continued for a time and finally he did and my son hasn't stolen anything since.
I had a boyfriend at one point that we would get into fights because he wanted to be "the man in charge". Don't get me wrong I am a firm believer that my children have to listen and do as they are told by the men in my life to a point. But one day he smacked my kid. I came unhinged and informed him under no certain terms was he to whip my kids. It is one thing for them to be sent to there room. Or even to be scolded, but it is not any one's place to place their hands on my children.

Offline SallyintheValley

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Re: Would you allow someone else to discipline your child?
« Reply #6 on: 30 January, 2012, 04:38:36 PM »
I am brand new to this forum and this will be my first reply.  I am 70 yrs old, raised 3 kinds and have 4 grown grandkids who I helped discipline so think I can answer intelligently.
I have found in my experience that the parents who cry the loudest about not letting anyone discipline their children or that no one should be ALLOWED are the ones who's kids NEED it the most!
In this example, the only thing I can possibly see to object to is the use of physical strength, but I can only imagine how he felt, and I can see the smirk of the teenagers face, so hard to totally in control.  I am assuming the sister-in-law was told of this incident when she returned home, but if she totally defended her son because of her anger over his stepping in, then a great harm was done.  And NO I do not feel any apology is due her son at all.
I think there is too much "turning the back" on wrongdoings and not caring enough.
I always appreciated someone telling me of something my child had done and I weighed the situation fairly and talked it out with them before deciding on punishment or not.

Offline R. Paradon

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Re: Would you allow someone else to discipline your child?
« Reply #7 on: 01 February, 2012, 11:55:32 AM »
When I was raising my children I had no problem with another adult “verbally” disciplining them if they were doing something that was harmful or just plain stupid.  If somebody raised a hand to one of them then it would be a different story.

This may be off-topic a bit but as some of you know, I have been living in Thailand for more than four years and prior to that have visited many time.  Here in the courtyard of my apartment children seem to appear and disappear quickly and no matter who their parents are if they step out of line anyone with authority (deemed via age)  will tell them to stop doing what they are doing and the children will do as told.  There in absolutely no lip service!

In the village areas that I stay in occasionally it is the same ritual.  Most children are well behaved and I have never seen one youngster being slapped or subjected to any corporal punishment.  It just is not necessary.

I do understand that the customs here are different than western societies but this communal style of discipline seems to work quite well.  Children respect their parents, elders as well as the police.